Why Look Back?

Red does not always mean STOP.

Tap tap on the key board, mind wracked with nonsense, sentences do not match thoughts. Very few understand what I have said or what I am attempting to say. Writing is often like this, words on the screen, words in the note book, experimental sentences. Confusion rules and structure inhibits creativity. Is the writer or journal keeper (journalist?) bound to write to perfection? I doubt it, we are flawed… nothings perfect, do the best you can, you have to be in the race to win it, you are in the race and not everyone can win, the best you can is usually not enough, at birth we are perfect…we floor and flaw ourselves.

Does anyone understand what I mean? Does it matter? I hope these words guide you to believe I am crazy. Because I am, today, I am crazy. Crazy about the people who cannot be true to themselves, crazy about the mind stiflers who tell me how to take pictures, write a book, poetry, paint a picture. Why I should be honest, truthful, spiritual, humanistic, talk to an angel, not complain when the system stinks, when I pay for a service which IS expensive and does not fulfil its promise. Why should I conform? To you’re ways, ideas, beliefs, core values? Give me the freedom to write, create my words and if you do not like them, be clear in your mind I do not care, I have no interest, because if you don’t like what you read, you’re not on my wavelength, my ‘vibes’ are not good, I’m the fool, nobody, moron. This is fine by me you cannot stop me, cannot censor me, cannot prevent me from being me. I am my right, wrong, success and failings.

Once I tried to read Dickens, hell’s teeth.. its a good job they made films of his work. I read Stephen King’s books and when I watch the films derived from them I feel cheated – I know most will disagree ~ I do not bow to consensus – I discover for myself, I have to explore and take chances. Cheepo thrillers, zines and Velvet Comic books written by unknown and in truth never to be known artist’s are more inspirational than ANY self help book or masterpiece, because, they guide me to an understanding, that, real independent thinking, non conformist, off the head, sometimes insane madness, is the real ‘seat of learning’. I learn little from established methods, indeed the establishment has taken the minds of the many, the few have to relight the way with sparks of inspiration.

My mind will experiment with ideas, I know I test those I talk to, I do not care if someone believes me or not, there’s truth in every story. I’d sooner be creator than killer, and millions love killers, until their (the killers) sins are discovered and then they (the lovers) pray they are not discovered to be weak conned and formed into the desire of the monster.

Over the last weekend, I spoke to 21 individual’s and each conversation lasted for 30 minutes, during each one I mentioned the name Daniel Johnston, not one knew who he was. Do you?  See if you can spend the time to discover this thinker, listen to his music and tell me its not crap, see the basic drawings which a child could draw and then tell me I am wrong when I say to you I believe him to be genius.

Cherries are sweet and sour, with a nut at the centre, the red says – ‘It could be dangerous to proceed’ – I will always take a chance with my words, my creativity, my life. Because that’s the truth its my life… My short story, I do not look back, something is written and it’s not so good, it’s not reworked, it’s left as a milestone, a marker which says “I was here”.

Life is a bowl of red fruit.